Therapist in Los Angeles
Darren Haber PsyD


On this page you'll find links to articles published in Psychology Today, Good Therapy, and others written by Darren Haber, PsyD on a variety of mental health issues. First is a listing of recent featured pieces. Below that you'll find a few categories containing more articles - click "show articles" next to the subject to view the listings.


Categorized articles

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Relationship issues General Interest Drug and alcohol issues Sexual compulsivity Partners of those with addiction

Featured articles

The Deep Freeze: Thawing the Language Games of Emotion in Psychotherapy
Tom was a new patient I met several years ago, who like a handful of newish patients asked that I “hold his feet to the fire.” I froze a moment, stumped as to why Tom wanted me to “interrogate” him about his use of pornography, and why he refused to give up an activity that infuriated his wife and led to self-loathing and shame.

Then I thought of Ludwig Wittengstein, and how the patient and I were playing radically different language games.
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The Hidden Trauma of Parenting: Caring in Contrast to Your Past
In an April 2017 op-ed piece in The New York Times, Michelle Stevens explains her decision to allow her 9-year-old son to have more autonomy and responsibility than may be fashionable. Responses to the article ranged from “good for her!” to “how irresponsible!”

My aim is not to debate the pros and cons of this; what interests me is how her decisions are so clearly influenced by her past trauma …
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How to Talk to Your Alcoholic Partner
One of the many things that addiction takes away is the ability to communicate honestly and directly. It’s not the easiest thing in the world to begin with. But intermarital communication can be even more of a minefield because of the hurt and anger and plain chaos wrought by addiction.
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Twitter-Shaming: Kelly Clarkson, Justine Sacco who's next?
Every so often on Twitter, someone draws an unlucky card and gets stoned to death. Yes, I’m conflating Shirley Jackson’s classic allegory of mob vengeance, “The Lottery,” with a contemporary social-media phenomenon called “Twitter-shaming”
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What Can We Do to Help Our Adult, Drug-Addicted Daughter?
... It’s so difficult to see someone we love self-destructing in their addiction. However, it sounds like you have done all you can in not supporting her financially and refusing to enable her in any way. I know you have been through a lot already, but I have two suggestions that might help relieve some of the stress you are currently experiencing.
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Why Do I Feel Intense Shame and Self-Hatred When I Masturbate?
... I'm not sure how to say this so I'll just say it. I masturbate at least twice a day. Whenever I finish, I feel a profound sense of shame about it and I feel terrible for like an hour. Sometimes the shame even ruins my day.
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In Bed, My Fiancé Wants Me to Re-Enact Abuse He Suffered As a Child
... during sex, he wants me to say and do certain things which are more or less a re-enactment of the abuse he went through as a child. While I want to be supportive of him, and don't want him to feel that I just want him to sweep his memories under the carpet, I wonder if this is a healthy way of dealing with his issues ...
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The Relational Roots of Addiction
The fractured person soothes or stimulate himself to feel "whole"
Addiction provides temporary relief – emotional regulation that was otherwise unavailable. It can make the addicted person feel temporarily "regular" ...
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With Or Without You - Why you don’t need your partner to start couples therapy
It happens often: a potential client, usually female, calls to see if I do couples counseling. I say yes, we set an appointment, she calls back to cancel. The reason? Her partner feels counseling is unnecessary or is unwilling to come. She’ll get in touch again if her partner has a change of heart. Usually that’s the end of it.

Sometimes I follow up. Often I’m told the relationship has ended.

I’ve come to the definite conclusion that the person who calls would benefit from coming in anyway, with or without her partner.
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What if My Addicted Partner Won’t Stop?
A very poignant comment to my article last month, from H. Hall, really struck a nerve. Again, I am very grateful for feedback of any stripe. In regard to my suggestion that the spouse of a person with alcoholism / addiction begin to change her (or his) way of living, i.e. by seeking counseling and other forms of support, I might have overlooked a crucial point which these readers thankfully pointed out. the addict.
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"Codependent" No More?
Codependence, alcohol addiction and the Twitterization of a term
Is it time to retire the word “codependence?” It seems to me that the term has worn out its welcome over its thirty-odd years of usage, warranting a gold watch and a walk into the sunset ...
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Why Does My Husband Go to Adult Bookstores?
I have been worried for some time about my husband's activities in adult bookstores ... He has a lot of shame about the behaviors and I am very upset to find out that he still goes to those places ... Other than this, we are a very happy couple and have a lot of fun together. Is he a sex addict? Am I overreacting? Is there any kind of guidance you can give me about this?
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Sex Addiction is a Relational Disorder
I’m struck by the fact that people with addiction issues, when confronted with the destructive effects of their behaviors, often find it harder to stop. This is especially true, in my clinical experience, when it comes to compulsive sexual behavior, aka sex addiction. Why is that?
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